Reading Combaticons
Aug. 25th, 2006 01:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dunmurderinAuthor’s Note: Takes place in the late 1980s/early 1990s. The Skyhammer Serials are based on the uberperfect heroes of old dime novels from the turn of the century (19th to 20th). Special thanks to Beckyh2112 (and by extention Lunatron) for helping me come up with "Perihex Glossies" which are based off of a mix of "Tijuana Bibles" (leads to links that are NOT work/small child safe) and black propaganda.
Also thanks to Becky for pointing out a missing bit of dialogue. Doh.
Also, I'm aware that there's an Autobot Pretender called Skyhammer, but this guy ain't him.
“Oh, grind my gears! No way!” Swindle bounced excitedly in his desk chair, staring at his computer screen. “Oh, this is too good to be true!”
“They‘re giving out free samples at Fort Knox?” Vortex asked. “Nahh, can’t be that, you’re still here.”
“Shut up, Vortex,” Swindle said. “This is serious!”
“What is it, Swindle?” Onslaught asked, looking up from the training manual he was reading.
“Okay, I’ve been searching through the datafiles that were retrieved from the Nemesis for those history files you wanted, Ons and I found…,” Swindle paused for dramatic effect. “The Skyhammer serials!”
There was a crash as Vortex half-fell, half-leaped out of his chair and charged across the room, edging in roughly to better read Swindle’s screen. “You're lying! Augh! He’s not! They’ve got all of them! Skyhammer and the Autobot Menace! Skyhammer and the Gladiatorial Games!”
“And, last but not least.” Swindle scrolled down. “Skyhammer and the Dweller in the Depths.”
There was a hush as Vortex stared at the screen, hands shaking. “We never got to read that one,” he said. “It was due to come out after we were…y’know, rightfully imprisoned. Read it, Swindle. Read it now!”
Swindle stretched back in his chair, looking doubtful. “Well, I dunno, I do have to find those history files for Onslaught.”
“This is history!” Vortex yelled. “Please, Swindle? Please? Please?! Brawl! Thump Swindle until he says yes!”
“Depends,” Brawl said. “Does that one have Convoy an’ Roadrage in it?”
“Of course it does!” Vortex said. “What would a Skyhammer story be without the vicious Convoy and Roadrage, sneaking and conniving Autobot rebels who treacherously escape the brave, dashing Skyhammer each and every single issue?” Vortex paused, head tilting to one side. “Y’know, it’s amazing how Skyhammer never gets punished for allowing such desperate criminals to escape, isn’t it?”
“Well,” Swindle said, voice oozing sarcasm. “He’s always really, really sorry and the Tyrant is always merciful and forgives him because he knows that Skyhammer is his most loyal and trusted soldier.”
Blast Off snorted. “Really, I’d think even you three mental midgets would be beyond such puerile entertainments by now,” he said. “Those stories are nothing more than the worst kind of propaganda. And I do mean worst; rumor had it they were generated by an AI -- not a particularly clever one either.”
“They’re funny,” Brawl grunted. “Read the story, Swindle. I like Convoy. Roadrage too. Best part of the whole series.”
“Damn straight,” Vortex said. “Better than that null-signal Dirtball, that’s for sure.” Vortex snorted. “’Faithful ground pounder companion’ my rotor assembly. More like ‘stupid lump of cannon fodder.’”
“Hey! Dirtball’s smarter than you think!” Swindle said. “Couple times, I think he’s just stringing ol’ Skyhammer along, y’know? Playing dumb so the stupid flyboy would risk his neck instead.”
“You know who I like?” Vortex said. “Twilight, that’s who. The slinky, sneaky neutral who lives on the edge! She in this one?”
Swindle turned back to the screen, scanning the story. “Yeah, looks like she shows up this time. Skyhammer’s got a speech trying to win her over to the Decepticon cause.”
“No spoilers!” Vortex yelled, smacking Swindle’s shoulder. “Don’t tell me what happens!”
“What?!” Swindle yelled back. “That’s what happens every issue she’s in! Skyhammer tries to win her over to the Decepticon cause and she spends half the book wondering if perhaps the security of the Empire isn’t worth shedding the illusory freedom of the Neutral Zones. Then they snog. She’s a tool.”
“She’s better than Nova!” Vortex said. “Little prissy, ‘I defected because I love Skyhammer oh-so-much!’ -- gahh, I hate him!”
“You hate Nova ‘cause he comes between Skyhammer and your precious Twilight,” Swindle sneered.
“It’s more than that!” Vortex yelped. “He’s unrealistic! No Autobot is gonna defect to our side just ‘cause some jet wiggles his aft at him! And there’s no way he’d ever have survived the war ‘cause he’s too stupid to live! And -- and, he’s a stupid color! He’s just some cliché they tossed in to try and capture the cross-faction romance market!”
“Yeah, unlike Twilight,” Swindle said. “Who’s a perfectly three-dimensional slice of documentary-style realism. Never mind that no neutral, especially a neutral femme, would be stupid enough to come within half a klik of somebody like Skyhammer, unless they wanted to end up spare parts or recruited.”
“Oh please!” Blast Off said, setting down the privacy screen he was weaving from colored cable and wire mesh. “The whole series is an unrealistic mish-mash of clichés. Skyhammer comes off the assembly line, goes straight into his first battle and loses both his wingmates in an Autobot sneak attack and then vows to become the finest member of the Decepticon War Fleet in their memory. And he does this while being the most upright, moral SNAD ever seen under Cybertron’s twin suns thanks to the most involved combination of coincidences, shoddy plotting, continuity holes and authorial favoritism. And you idiots are arguing over Twilight versus Nova when any idiot should be able to see that the only character with any redeeming features is Velocity!”
Vortex and Swindle stared at Blast Off, Swindle slightly open-mouthed. “The SHUTTLE?” they chorused in disbelief. “You like HIM?”
Brawl pushed forward, trying to jam himself between Swindle and the screen. “See if they got that one where Skyhammer gets captured by Convoy an’ Roadrage and they tie him up an’ beat the slag outta him until Dirtbag saves him.”
“Uh, Brawl? That was never an issue,” Swindle said. “Like, ever. Imperial Political Warfare Division would never publish that. Sounds like Autobot black propaganda.”
Brawl’s fists clenched. “I read it. It was the same type of file as all the other ones were an’ it was on th’ regular system so it’s real! And it was good! Find it!”
“Then get outta my way, wideload!” Swindle pushed forward, fingers tapping his keyboard. “What’s the title? Not that I’m gonna find a Perihex Glossy sitting in the Nemesis’s files!”
“Just look! It was called Skyhammer Gets His Due,” Brawl demanded, putting a heavy hand on the back of Swindle’s neck.
“See! That’s not even the right kinda title! I’m telling you, Brawl, it’s a forgery! The Autobots did it all the time. They were trying to undermine our propaganda by publishing demoralizing versions of our own stuff. I had a copy of their Selective Effectiveness Guide: Creative Malingering for Clever ‘Cons for vorn. Got me outta so much scutwork.” Swindle sighed, longingly. “Wonderful stuff.”
Brawl’s only answer was a slight tightening of his hand that made Swindle squirm and lean quickly forward.
“I’m looking! But it’s not gonna…” Swindle’s voice trailed off for a moment as a list of files filled the screen. “Oh, no way…no way!”
“You found it, didn’t you? Told you it was real!”
“No,” Swindle said, peevishly. “I didn’t find it. I didn’t find it at all.”
Brawl’s optics dimmed. “Oh.”
“I found about fifty of ‘em,” Swindle said, in almost reverential tones. “Couple of ‘em are pretty raunchy-sounding, if these summaries are anything to go by. Somebody musta not realized what they were uploading back in the day or they just really liked seeing Skyhammer get slagged by Autobots.”
Vortex shoved past Brawl, staring at Swindle’s screen. “I changed my mind, read “Skyhammer and the Third Shift Surprise! And do all the voices!”
Also thanks to Becky for pointing out a missing bit of dialogue. Doh.
Also, I'm aware that there's an Autobot Pretender called Skyhammer, but this guy ain't him.
“Oh, grind my gears! No way!” Swindle bounced excitedly in his desk chair, staring at his computer screen. “Oh, this is too good to be true!”
“They‘re giving out free samples at Fort Knox?” Vortex asked. “Nahh, can’t be that, you’re still here.”
“Shut up, Vortex,” Swindle said. “This is serious!”
“What is it, Swindle?” Onslaught asked, looking up from the training manual he was reading.
“Okay, I’ve been searching through the datafiles that were retrieved from the Nemesis for those history files you wanted, Ons and I found…,” Swindle paused for dramatic effect. “The Skyhammer serials!”
There was a crash as Vortex half-fell, half-leaped out of his chair and charged across the room, edging in roughly to better read Swindle’s screen. “You're lying! Augh! He’s not! They’ve got all of them! Skyhammer and the Autobot Menace! Skyhammer and the Gladiatorial Games!”
“And, last but not least.” Swindle scrolled down. “Skyhammer and the Dweller in the Depths.”
There was a hush as Vortex stared at the screen, hands shaking. “We never got to read that one,” he said. “It was due to come out after we were…y’know, rightfully imprisoned. Read it, Swindle. Read it now!”
Swindle stretched back in his chair, looking doubtful. “Well, I dunno, I do have to find those history files for Onslaught.”
“This is history!” Vortex yelled. “Please, Swindle? Please? Please?! Brawl! Thump Swindle until he says yes!”
“Depends,” Brawl said. “Does that one have Convoy an’ Roadrage in it?”
“Of course it does!” Vortex said. “What would a Skyhammer story be without the vicious Convoy and Roadrage, sneaking and conniving Autobot rebels who treacherously escape the brave, dashing Skyhammer each and every single issue?” Vortex paused, head tilting to one side. “Y’know, it’s amazing how Skyhammer never gets punished for allowing such desperate criminals to escape, isn’t it?”
“Well,” Swindle said, voice oozing sarcasm. “He’s always really, really sorry and the Tyrant is always merciful and forgives him because he knows that Skyhammer is his most loyal and trusted soldier.”
Blast Off snorted. “Really, I’d think even you three mental midgets would be beyond such puerile entertainments by now,” he said. “Those stories are nothing more than the worst kind of propaganda. And I do mean worst; rumor had it they were generated by an AI -- not a particularly clever one either.”
“They’re funny,” Brawl grunted. “Read the story, Swindle. I like Convoy. Roadrage too. Best part of the whole series.”
“Damn straight,” Vortex said. “Better than that null-signal Dirtball, that’s for sure.” Vortex snorted. “’Faithful ground pounder companion’ my rotor assembly. More like ‘stupid lump of cannon fodder.’”
“Hey! Dirtball’s smarter than you think!” Swindle said. “Couple times, I think he’s just stringing ol’ Skyhammer along, y’know? Playing dumb so the stupid flyboy would risk his neck instead.”
“You know who I like?” Vortex said. “Twilight, that’s who. The slinky, sneaky neutral who lives on the edge! She in this one?”
Swindle turned back to the screen, scanning the story. “Yeah, looks like she shows up this time. Skyhammer’s got a speech trying to win her over to the Decepticon cause.”
“No spoilers!” Vortex yelled, smacking Swindle’s shoulder. “Don’t tell me what happens!”
“What?!” Swindle yelled back. “That’s what happens every issue she’s in! Skyhammer tries to win her over to the Decepticon cause and she spends half the book wondering if perhaps the security of the Empire isn’t worth shedding the illusory freedom of the Neutral Zones. Then they snog. She’s a tool.”
“She’s better than Nova!” Vortex said. “Little prissy, ‘I defected because I love Skyhammer oh-so-much!’ -- gahh, I hate him!”
“You hate Nova ‘cause he comes between Skyhammer and your precious Twilight,” Swindle sneered.
“It’s more than that!” Vortex yelped. “He’s unrealistic! No Autobot is gonna defect to our side just ‘cause some jet wiggles his aft at him! And there’s no way he’d ever have survived the war ‘cause he’s too stupid to live! And -- and, he’s a stupid color! He’s just some cliché they tossed in to try and capture the cross-faction romance market!”
“Yeah, unlike Twilight,” Swindle said. “Who’s a perfectly three-dimensional slice of documentary-style realism. Never mind that no neutral, especially a neutral femme, would be stupid enough to come within half a klik of somebody like Skyhammer, unless they wanted to end up spare parts or recruited.”
“Oh please!” Blast Off said, setting down the privacy screen he was weaving from colored cable and wire mesh. “The whole series is an unrealistic mish-mash of clichés. Skyhammer comes off the assembly line, goes straight into his first battle and loses both his wingmates in an Autobot sneak attack and then vows to become the finest member of the Decepticon War Fleet in their memory. And he does this while being the most upright, moral SNAD ever seen under Cybertron’s twin suns thanks to the most involved combination of coincidences, shoddy plotting, continuity holes and authorial favoritism. And you idiots are arguing over Twilight versus Nova when any idiot should be able to see that the only character with any redeeming features is Velocity!”
Vortex and Swindle stared at Blast Off, Swindle slightly open-mouthed. “The SHUTTLE?” they chorused in disbelief. “You like HIM?”
Brawl pushed forward, trying to jam himself between Swindle and the screen. “See if they got that one where Skyhammer gets captured by Convoy an’ Roadrage and they tie him up an’ beat the slag outta him until Dirtbag saves him.”
“Uh, Brawl? That was never an issue,” Swindle said. “Like, ever. Imperial Political Warfare Division would never publish that. Sounds like Autobot black propaganda.”
Brawl’s fists clenched. “I read it. It was the same type of file as all the other ones were an’ it was on th’ regular system so it’s real! And it was good! Find it!”
“Then get outta my way, wideload!” Swindle pushed forward, fingers tapping his keyboard. “What’s the title? Not that I’m gonna find a Perihex Glossy sitting in the Nemesis’s files!”
“Just look! It was called Skyhammer Gets His Due,” Brawl demanded, putting a heavy hand on the back of Swindle’s neck.
“See! That’s not even the right kinda title! I’m telling you, Brawl, it’s a forgery! The Autobots did it all the time. They were trying to undermine our propaganda by publishing demoralizing versions of our own stuff. I had a copy of their Selective Effectiveness Guide: Creative Malingering for Clever ‘Cons for vorn. Got me outta so much scutwork.” Swindle sighed, longingly. “Wonderful stuff.”
Brawl’s only answer was a slight tightening of his hand that made Swindle squirm and lean quickly forward.
“I’m looking! But it’s not gonna…” Swindle’s voice trailed off for a moment as a list of files filled the screen. “Oh, no way…no way!”
“You found it, didn’t you? Told you it was real!”
“No,” Swindle said, peevishly. “I didn’t find it. I didn’t find it at all.”
Brawl’s optics dimmed. “Oh.”
“I found about fifty of ‘em,” Swindle said, in almost reverential tones. “Couple of ‘em are pretty raunchy-sounding, if these summaries are anything to go by. Somebody musta not realized what they were uploading back in the day or they just really liked seeing Skyhammer get slagged by Autobots.”
Vortex shoved past Brawl, staring at Swindle’s screen. “I changed my mind, read “Skyhammer and the Third Shift Surprise! And do all the voices!”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 12:38 pm (UTC)That's adorable!
Ah, fandoms! :D
re
Date: 2006-08-25 06:56 pm (UTC)Dun.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 02:17 pm (UTC)For some reason, I think Swindle's Skyhammer voice these days sounds a lot like Starscream's voice. (And why do I have a mental image of someone spraypainting Motormaster and Drag Strip to look like Convoy and Road rage?)
For the record, Perihex as a city name was Luna's idea. She is my muse of names. *snugs*
re
Date: 2006-08-25 06:55 pm (UTC)Duly noted!
And yes, I can see someone lying in wait to forcibly cosplay Moto and Drag Strip. *G*
Dun.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 04:20 pm (UTC)re
Date: 2006-08-25 06:56 pm (UTC)Dun.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 05:25 pm (UTC)“She’s better than Nova!” Vortex said. “Little prissy, ‘I defected because I love Skyhammer oh-so-much!’ -- gahh, I hate him!”
“You hate Nova ‘cause he comes between Skyhammer and your precious Twilight,” Swindle sneered.
Intra-gestalt team 'ship wars? Priceless! *g*
re
Date: 2006-08-25 06:56 pm (UTC)Dun.
Re: re
Date: 2006-08-25 07:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 07:40 pm (UTC)It's hilarious, each of them has their favorite characters for different reasons. Even Blast Off, who was dissing the whole series.
Wonder which character Onslaught likes. Have to ask him after he's finished yelling at them for fooling around with fiction files instead of the history files Swindle was supposed to get.
Could I friend you? So I can get your story updates?
re
Date: 2006-08-25 07:57 pm (UTC)Re: re
Date: 2006-08-25 07:58 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 07:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-26 12:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-16 08:27 am (UTC)priceless! XD