dunmurderin: (Swindle)
dunmurderin ([personal profile] dunmurderin) wrote2006-11-19 08:56 pm

Retail Hell

Author's note: Swindle learns the hard way that there are some things you just don't go after. Written for kicks and giggles and because it's either this or rant and rave that some idiot bid $30 grand for one of these stupid things...




Swindle didn't so much land at the Combaticon base; it was more like he sank, like a balloon running low on helium.

"What happened to you?" Vortex asked, head tilting as he studied his brother's injuries with the optic of a connoisseur.

"I don't want to talk about it," Swindle snarled. "And put that thing away, it's creeping me out."

"Creeping people out is the idea, Swindle," Vortex said. "And not wanting to talk about it means that whatever happened is gonna be funny, so tell me what happened."

"It's not funny!" Swindle yelled, starting to limp toward the lean-to that served as their repair station.

"Oooh! You're defensive!" Vortex tossed the optic away as he did a happy hop and chased after Swindle, half-running, half-flying in circles around him. "Tell me what happened! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! C'monnnnnn! Tell me!"

Swindle stopped dead in his tracks and glared up at Vortex, who hovered in front of him like a demented Tinkerbelle. "Behold, the fearsome interrogator. I'll bet Laserbeak is just sick because he doesn't know that technique."

Vortex's optics shone, his voice switching from spastic chopperboy to consummate professional as easily as Swindle switched from one lie to the next. "We can always take this to a more...formal environment."

Swindle glared up at Vortex. "Fine!" he snarled. "I was out trying to get some of those PS3s that just came out and things didn't go so good."

"Some of those what that huh?" Vortex said, cheerful again now that he'd gotten his way.

"PS3. PlayStation Three?" Swindle said. "It's a game system. The humans use them to play video games."

"Ohh!" Vortex paused. "But, why do you want one?" A second pause. "Wait, is this like that Tickle-My-Elbow thing?"

Swindle nodded. "Exactly, except that I can sell PS3s for a whole lot more than those stupid fuzzy dolls," he said. "They're only releasing about two or three hundred thousand to the US market, about a hundred thousand less than they said they were so demand is gonna be crazy!"

Vortex's head cocked to one side. "...and you say I'm creepy...," he said. "Did you look like this when you sold us or what? 'Cause if you did, I'm not sure whether to be flattered or to start sleeping with a LoJack on."

"I can't help it!" Swindle said. "Besides, those are easy to remove if you know what you're doing."

"Okay!" Vortex said, rising up into the air so that Swindle was staring him in the feet. "So, you went after the human toys and what happened?"

"I got there, all ready to come home with a few hundred units that I could stick up on EBay and...," Swindle shook his head. "'Tex, you know me, right? Probably better than anybody else around here. You know I don't scare easy, right?"

"Oh, yeah, sure," Vortex said. "You're a lot of things, Swindle. A mercenary, conniving, thieving, greedy, self-serving, amoral little thug with no more sense of right and wrong than a tire iron, but you're not a coward. Often."

"Right," Swindle said, nodding. "So, I'm thinking, hey, what am I gonna have to worry about? A few humans waiting in line? No problem! Just give 'em a few warning shots from the old scatter-blaster and the PS3s are as good as in my trailer!"

"So, what happened?"

"I get there, I transform, I make my demands clear and they freakin' MOBBED me!" Swindle said, indignantly. "I mean, I barely got out 'Gimme the PS3s!' before all of a sudden it's a squishie stampede! They were pounding on me with their fists to start, but then some wise guy is like, 'Hey! I got pickaxes and stuff in my truck! Let's play piñata!’ And don’t even get me started about the kinda sicko who brings a Tac 9 to a Wal-Mart! If the cops hadn’t shown up, Primus knows if I’d have made it back alive or not!”

Vortex struggled between looking sympathetic and snickering and finally compromised by snickering in as sympathetic a fashion as he could manage. “Poor Swindle,” he said. “So, you gonna try it again?”

“Nahh, no point,” Swindle said. “Those units are sold out by now and by the time more are released, the furor will be over.” He sighed, looking mournful over the lost opportunity. “I mean, I’d go after the new system from Nintendo but yelling ‘I’m here for your Wiis!’ just doesn’t have that ring to it, y’know?”

[identity profile] techmech.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 02:03 am (UTC)(link)
ROFL.. and oh so TRUE!

People always asked me how I could stand to work layaway at Walmart at Christmas time. My response was simple... 'You know, someone's kid ain't gonna die if they don't get , and after that, nothing else really matters in the end.'

[identity profile] raisedbymoogles.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 02:04 am (UTC)(link)
*DED XD*

[identity profile] sosogomi.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 02:14 am (UTC)(link)
XD*rotfles*

[identity profile] fluffygryph.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 02:25 am (UTC)(link)
Did you hear that people were getting shot by bibi's, robbed of their cash? Hah, my co-worker camped out for three days in a fragging tent. I don't even know if he got one.

aiya. great story, though. ^^
ext_9605: A lungfish with the caption "Where are my eggs benedict?" -- because animals asking for strange food is funny! (Default)

re

[identity profile] dunmurderin.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 02:33 am (UTC)(link)
Yup. There were apparently riots here in Dayton over these stupid things. And I found a headline where somebody paid 44 THOUSAND dollars for a PS3 which just makes me go GAH! becuase 44 thousand dollars is enough to buy everything me and the girlfriend own plus have about 25 thousand left over for bills and candy.

Somewhere, a tan and purple jeep is crying. Crying HARD. Tears of real pain.

Dun.

[identity profile] ravynfyre.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 02:45 am (UTC)(link)
*is ded from the laughter* OMFG!!! Dun, you rock my world. Seriously.


Marry me? *beams*
ext_9605: A lungfish with the caption "Where are my eggs benedict?" -- because animals asking for strange food is funny! (Default)

re

[identity profile] dunmurderin.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)
*blush!* I'll have to ask my girlfriend first.

[identity profile] beckyh2112.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 03:30 am (UTC)(link)
*keels over laughing*

Poor, poor Swindle. The Jeep needs some TLC right now. *snuggles him to her bosom*

[identity profile] ravenclaw-devi.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 04:28 am (UTC)(link)
I do like your take on it, yes yes! :D

Especially so since I can only shake my head at the whole PS3 hysteria - c'mon, if you don't get one right now, you'll get one in a few months or whenever. Sure, it won't be in time for Christmas then, but your kid won't die if it finds something else under the tree, indeed.

[identity profile] newsy891.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 04:38 am (UTC)(link)
Heeee! *falls out of office chair laughing* =D

Vortex's interrogation technique is adorable.

[identity profile] dualistic.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 03:14 pm (UTC)(link)
this made me smile(and I really needed that right now, thank you) :)

[identity profile] dragoness-e.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 03:24 pm (UTC)(link)
*pats Swindle*

Try working retail, Swindle. In a computer store. On Black Friday. When the Xbox 360 just came out.

CompUSA cashiers -- tougher than Combaticons!

[identity profile] tiamat1972.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 07:52 am (UTC)(link)
I have worked retail. In a computer store. On Boxing Day.

*shudders from the memories*

ext_9605: A lungfish with the caption "Where are my eggs benedict?" -- because animals asking for strange food is funny! (Default)

re

[identity profile] dunmurderin.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 06:48 pm (UTC)(link)
I've been lucky, I've never had a retail job but Amy worked Toys R Us on the day after Thanksgiving back in 2004. *shudder*

Dun.

Re: re

[identity profile] tiamat1972.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 08:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Probably is comparable. I feel her pain.
ext_9605: A lungfish with the caption "Where are my eggs benedict?" -- because animals asking for strange food is funny! (Default)

Re: re

[identity profile] dunmurderin.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 08:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, she came home with bloody feet so quite possibly *G*

I know when I was at home (Thanksgiving and my grandma's Bday) everyone asked where Amy was and when I said "She has to work at TRU tomorrow" they were all like, *wince* "Poor thing..."

Re: re

[identity profile] tiamat1972.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 09:02 pm (UTC)(link)
My feet weren't bloody but my head was sure spinning. If you had asked me which way was up at 2pm (I had been there since 6am), I'd have gotten it wrong.

That was about 10 years ago now too. I'm scarred by retail for life. ;D

Hope Amy is in a less insane career now.
ext_9605: A lungfish with the caption "Where are my eggs benedict?" -- because animals asking for strange food is funny! (Default)

Re: re

[identity profile] dunmurderin.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 10:54 pm (UTC)(link)
yupyup, we're both relay operators for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing and the Speech Impaired, so a lot less stressful.

Dun.

[identity profile] vixens-shadow.livejournal.com 2006-11-20 07:39 pm (UTC)(link)
"I'm here for your Wiis!"

*dies*

[identity profile] the-s-guy.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 03:28 pm (UTC)(link)
It amazes me that some places even stay open on those days. Sure, dozens of people in Heavy Consumer Mode can be good for a store, but hundreds? Thousands? Can the profit be worth the wear and tear on the merchandise and staff loyalty?

[identity profile] dragoness-e.livejournal.com 2006-11-21 03:44 pm (UTC)(link)
In a word: YES!

Management's reaction to the sales volume and margin last Black Friday was to go into orgasmic spasms of joy. It's the biggest sales event of the year--we prep for it beforehand, scheduling everyone to work, making sure every register is functional, manning all the spare registers, having extended hours for the sale...

It's the test of fire for anyone working retail. If you can survive Black Friday, you've got what it takes. It's retail's "Crossing the Line" ceremony, so to speak.

And, as I said, management loves those sales figures. They are huge compared to our normal weekday sales.